09 July, 2008

Taking (Burnt) Umber-Age

This is really dumb.
Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

While I have been known to use the term "quantum singularity" in place of the words "black hole", I do not do so out of some obscene twist of ethnic sensitivity. Instead, I just use it because it makes me appear more intelligent and well-educated than I actually am. Yet if we can no longer use the term "black hole", what else can't we melanin-deprived individuals say?

Is the term "black eye" out? If so, someone tell Ezra that he needs to change that title to "ocular bruising".

The Black Canyon of the Gunnison? Can we still use that?

"Black as night"? Probably out as well.

The bookkeeping term "out of black ink"? Sounds negative to me! You just don't want any more black ink! Doesn't mean anything that the phrase is used when the profit margin is off the scale, just as long as it could be taken as negative. For that matter, the opposite being "red ink" could be found offensive to native Americans if they only thought about it. (Whoops. There goes the Cincinnati Reds! But there's no tribe-based mascot? Doesn't matter. It's still the Reds.)

"All right here in black and white"? Ooooooh, I think we found ourselves a potential lawsuit here! Race-baiting at it's worst!

"Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie"?? Wow. That's not only racist, but it promotes cannibalism!

I'm certain that I can go on like this for hours. Unfortunately, I have a raid tonight on the Black Temple... Ummm... Ooops?

[Turn Signal: John Cole]

05 July, 2008

Overheards At The Fireworks Show: Part 2

(Group of people playing Nth Degree From X, which is basically Six Degrees From Kevin Bacon without the excessive suffering of always using Kevin Bacon.)

Girl 1: Okay. (Rummaging around in a fishbowl with slips of paper.) This time we start off with... Joan Cusack?!?

Guy 1: Man. This one's gonna be easy.

Girl 1: And we end with... (More rummaging.) Brad Pitt!

Girl 2: (drunken sigh of absolute lust)

[Debate ongoing for 15 minutes without coming to an answer]

ZZZ-List Blogger: Oh for God's sake. You got Cusack and Robin Williams in Toys, Williams and Edward Norton in Death To Smoochy, and Norton and Pitt in Fight Club! There's your connection, and I only needed three movies for it! So do I get that beer? And why the hell are you trying to go through Nicole Kidman and Diane Weist in Practical Magic?


Guy 3: Yeah. Ummm. This is a private game.

[Insert group migration here]

Fifteen minutes later...

Girl 2: Oh. Here's that beer for winning that round.

ZZZ-List Blogger: Thanks! I was just joking about the beer, you know.

Girl 2: I thought so. That's why I wrote my number on the bottom!

[Insert double-take.]

[Insert 2-hour conversation.]

[Insert ditching her friends and going to see Hancock.]

Happy now-belated 4th!

Overheards At The Fireworks Show

Guy 1: So yeah. I think that "Hey Vern!" guy was the first person to get his big break in movies thanks to his commercials.

Guy 2: Man, did I hate that guy.

Girl 1: So does that mean we get to blame Ernest Whatsisface for that Caveman show?

Guy 2: Now I REALLY hate that guy!